When it all just seems so….pointless.
I have a confession to make. It turns out practicing what I preach seems virtually impossible some days. I have my own personal rolodex of negative thoughts that suffocate me in my weakest moments. “I don’t give a sh*t anymore.” “I’ve tried so long and I’m sick of it.” “I’m not cut out for this – who am I kidding?” “Why the hell would I take the path less travelled??!! It’s filled with prickle bushes, matted shrubs/trees and wild animals; not to mention, I’m freakin lost!” These thoughts are but a mere sample.
Here’s a glimpse into one of my dark moments…I wrote this just over a year ago:
So here it is…the ugly side exposed…It’s me…in my worst moment. Living with fear. Crippled by self-doubt. Feeling overwhelmed with a sense of failure. I spend most of my personal and professional life supporting others and bringing them closer to personal and professional empowerment. And most of the time, I truly and deeply love what I do. But…
While I fully exert myself to lift others out of the mire, I admittedly feel as though I’m falling deep into it myself.
If I was to paint a picture of my life, it would look absolutely beautiful in all areas but one. My family, my friends, my home, my business…all bring me immense joy. My health is intact…and love surrounds me in every way. In those areas, I am rich beyond measure.
Yet there’s a secret vice that I struggle to admit to myself, never mind to anyone else. It’s about me coming from a place of lack. Of never having enough to “get ahead”. And holding desperately onto a thin thread of faith…trusting that somehow, this reality will shift. That my perseverance and passion will pay off…literally. But let’s face it…while it’s about the money, it’s not about the money. It’s about how shitty I feel when I can’t seem to make adequate amounts of cash to prove to myself (and everyone else) that I AM successful. Reality screams, “Nope! Who you kidding?”
Every so often, something happens that puts me back on this fear train. Though I constantly remind others that they are not defined by their circumstances, I struggle to accept this for myself. My financial shortfalls continue to taunt me, and a cruel voice inside screams, “FAILURE!” The painful depth of that voice brings me to tears and a feeling of hopelessness.
I can’t imagine what sharing my painful reality will do but I can hope for one thing…that it will show others they are not alone. That we all must struggle in different arenas of our lives and continue to push through the muck to build strength and character. What lesson lies in store for me is a mystery but by being REAL and putting my story out there, I’m sharing a very real human experience. And that I get it. Painfully so.
Let my vulnerability be a voice for those of you who are hurting in your own way. And may your story not define you any more than this should define me.
There you have it. I’ve come clean. And we all know my biggest shortfall a year ago was believing that my level of success was defined by the absence or influx of money. Doing so only created self-destruction of epic proportions.
We can’t escape our human tendencies to fumble, to slip into the bottom of our self-imposed pits and to (sadly) too often give up and settle.
But…please, for the love of God, don’t stay there.
Here’s my little secret to persevering through the worst of the worst. It’s about PASSION. It’s about the motivational factor: the belief within me that my very PURPOSE in life is to enhance the lives of others. That undying belief and clear purpose are the pillars of strength that pull me off the floor after every exhausting battle with fear and crippling doubt.
The intensity of this battle can be a deal-breaker. But I’m here to tell you the verdict rests with you. And should you give power to your inner Goliath, you’ll fall. Choose to fight back with PURPOSE and PASSION.
Let me help you. If you’re beyond frustrated or you keep fumbling over…well…yourself, I’d love to help. Our best intentions to help others cannot bear fruit should we fail to help ourselves.
This journey is not one we’re meant to travel alone…http://www.katysuik.com/women-and-work/